2013 Nissan Juke NISMO: The Fast and the Curious

Whatever happened to fun?  Why do modern cars have to be so serious all of the time?  Why must every single vehicle on the market tick off all of the by-now standard boxes of practicality, performance, efficiency, and conformity to the era’s prevalent styling trends?

Obviously, I am exaggerating, as there are from time to time models that escape the design studio and sacrifice one or more of the above criteria in favour of enhancing a specific characteristic.  But the truly weird cars, the one-offs, and the affordable low-production oddities that dotted the 80’s and 90’s seem to have vanished from the landscape, replaced in their novelty by ultra-expensive special edition exotics that few known exist and even fewer own.

• Also: He said, she said: Test driving the Nissan Juke
• Also: 2013 Nissan JUKE Features New Midnight Edition Package

Enter the 2013 Nissan Juke NISMO, the very definition of weird and wonderful for anyone not keen on spending a king’s ransom on something different to park in the driveway.  How rare is this hotted-up version of Nissan’s already-unusual compact crossover?  Try to find it on Nissan Canada’s website.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Back already?  That’s right – Nissan has elected to not even advertise the Juke NISMO’s existence through anything that could be considered a mainstream corporate channel.  When I asked why, I was told that buyers who were truly interested in the sportiest Juke could head down to their local dealership and make their inquiries in person.

Luckily, I was able to lay my hands on a version of the recently-released crossover and put it through its paces without having to resort to cloak-and-dagger subterfuge.  What did I think of Nissan Motorsport’s efforts to improve on its most entertaining people mover?  Read on to find out.

All Attitude, All The Time

Truth be told, my favourite part of the 2013 Nissan Juke’s NISMO makeover is the effort that has been invested in giving it a complete aero package that perfectly compliments the strangest-looking crossover money can buy.  Instead of tacking on a spoiler and calling it a day, NISMO engineers and stylists worked together to create a mix of skirts, bumpers, and fascias that together enhance the looks of the Juke while also generating almost 40 percent more downforce at speed.  Combined with 18-inch rims that do a better job of filling out the handsome Juke’s wheel wells, as well as the red accents on the bumpers, trim, and side mirrors, the Nissan Juke NISMO frankly drips with sporty charisma.  The vehicle’s cabin, too, has been blessed with excellent and deep sport seats, as well as a steering wheel wrapped in Alcantara and decorated with a thing red stripe of leather at the very top.

Where’s The Beef?

With so much attention paid to getting the 2013 Nissan Juke NISMO’s looks right, it would naturally follow that the mechanical bits would also be afforded a thorough going over.  Unfortunately, this isn’t the case.  Yes, NISMO has boosted the crossover’s turbocharged engine output by single digits for both horsepower and torque, and yes, the spring rates are 10 percent stiffer than on the base Juke, but overall there’s very little to differentiate the driving experience of the Juke NISMO from its entry-level sibling.

That’s not altogether a bad thing, given that I was enthralled with how the original Juke handled itself through twisty bits of road and how its 1.6-liter, four-cylinder mill made the most of its turbocharger to throw down respectable rates of acceleration off of the line.  It’s just that I was expecting more than 197 horsepower and 184 lb-ft torque, and maybe would have liked a Juke that was a little lower to the ground on more performance-ready shocks.  The Juke NISMO maintains the availability of either a six-speed manual transmission or a continuously-variable automatic, with the latter being standard for all-wheel drive models like the one I piloted.  Fuel efficiency remains the same as the entry-level Juke as well.

Stay Weird, Little Juke

The 2013 Nissan Juke NISMO isn’t the high performance barn-burner that I secretly hoped that it would be.  After all, there are few things better in life than smoking someone at the drag strip from behind the wheel of a car that they find visually objectionable.  My trumped-up expectations for the Juke NISMO – fed by its road course-ready body work – shouldn’t detract from the fact that this compact crossover has always been and continues to be one of the top performers in its class when it comes to speed and agility.

Who cares if its tiny interior only nods in passing to modern notions of utility, or if its mug raises more hackles than a BMW parked in front of a fire hydrant?  Fun, weird, and affordable were my criteria coming into this review, and they remain the standard by which I deem the 2013 Nissan Juke NISMO to be a worthy entry on crossover market.